Those sleepless nights were an incredible lesson for me. There isn't much to do at 3 a.m. No one is awake yet, in any timezone, so it became the one time in those days that it was just me. In those months, I read my books, looking for answers. I stood looking out the window and took a cue from our city streets, completely still and quiet, albeit right downtown. In those early months, with the sky's curtain drawn and the days distractions at bay, I learned how to be quiet enough, slow and appreciative enough to be able to hear my heart. In the beginning, so many times I asked, why? I wanted to know why my body was hurting so much and what had I done to bring this on. I thought then that if I could just figure out what to do differently, I could heal and go back to bed. I felt compelled to stay awake and use my rational mind. But, it turns out that my heart doesn't work through logic, it doesn't answer to the 5 W's and it doesn't do interviews. It turns out that the professor in my heart teaches only through experience. And as time went on, in a most natural way, yet miraculous really, I stopped asking.
I didn't intend on changing my approach, it's just the night began to seduce me, showing the depth and beauty she holds. The night became first a mirror, for which to view my heart. Eventually, instead of being an observer of the night and my body, somehow I passed into them. It's as though first things get darker, until you reach a certain milestone, and the light begins again. The night tells things only she can, in her own language. It took time to learn the foreign language, but, like pulling thread through cloth, the knowledge came. Looking back, the night was always giving me what I needed, it just took time to slow down enough to learn how she works. My whole life I thought of the hours before dawn, useful solely for sleeping, now I know that her still waters run very, very deep.
And so, on this Winter Solstice, this longest and most glorified night of the year, this is my thank you note. Like any good teacher, thank you night, for staying your course. For teaching that if the dazzling day is like a Father's energy; a yang filled ambitious and energetic vibration. Then the night is like a Mother's energy, yin filled and reflective. They serve one another. The night a space to check our compass, to have a cup of tea and spread out our map. And the day, useful to charge forward on the plan created.
I am dedicated now to trusting that nature gives just what is needed and will attempt a most graceful bending with her seasons. So, on this Winter Solstice, I celebrate her longest night. At this Christmas time when we exchange gifts, the night presents hers, and finally, I accept.
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| morning view out our window, it snowed last night! |
