Here I am, ten years later at 28 and the overwhelming feeling came again. It even woke me up. For whatever reason I was really touched by the passing of Steve Jobs, (I think it's because I believe he left a mark on humanity. It got me thinking about the way he lived his life. He seemed to live for himself, which in today's trend of moviestars and chart topping singers going to third world countries to "help," is quite different. It seems as though everyone is doing something humanitarian or "green," but not Jobs or Apple (to my knowledge). I am not saying this is a good thing, but what I do respect is that he didn't care... he didn't feel pressured to do those things because everyone else was, or, because other people thought he should. I was deeply touched by his speech at Stanford when he said,
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
The feeling of this quote would not leave me. And on Monday morning, I awoke thinking and hearing in my head, "don't live someone else's life" which for me, made me think of.... (so earth shattering I know) my hair.
Pictures show me born with jet-black hair. Then it all fell out and I was a bald bambino. Next, white blonde hair grew in and I was a toe-head for a long time, which got to a darker blonde the older I got until around 7th grade when it was really getting to be a real dark, which is when I remember beginning to highlight it. See, it's kind of an institution in my family to be blonde and so, the coloring began (I make it sound like some sort of abuse I know) I liked it blonde, but then again, I didn't know any better- that's what I had always been so I didn't dream of anything else....until high school. I remember really wanting to go darker. I asked those close to me that I trusted and everyone always said, nooooo, you are such a blonde, I can't imagine you anything else. So,figuring they were right- I kept highlighting. This went on for years.
When living in Japan, I got my first burst of courage and attempted the dark look. But, because they hadn't worked on too many white people, the color just wasn't right, (it had a green tinge!)... so back to blonde I went. I was on auto-pilot, but really wanting that burst of new. But, really not new... each month my roots would grow back and I would wonder, I'd spend minutes in the mirror wondering what my natural color was and how I would look and mostly, what other people would think? would they think I looked pretty? would I still get the same reaction, or have the same relationship with people if I did such a drastic change? as silly as it seems, would people still like me? I had become dependent on blonde hair, it was a strong suit of mine, it had become arsenal, a tool for survival in this world. It worked. People made up ideas about who I was, and I played along.
The older I got, and the more comfortable with myself I've become, the more often I thought about going to my natural color (which I didn't even know what that was exactly). On Monday morning the first thing I thought when I awoke was "don't live for others" and that meant for me that day, go natural, and who cares.
I knew finally that I didn't care what others thought. I realized that this is my life, and if I don't take what I want from it, no one will just hand it to me. It's up to me. I prepared myself for everyone to say, Oh, I liked you better blonde, I think you should change it back. I was prepared to say, "I like it and I don't want to."
This was a change for myself--this not caring what others thought. This was empowering.
I was prepared to be strong in comments, for no reason. Everyone loved it- every single person, which suprised me. One person at work said, gorgeous, this is a game changer. Another said, I really like it, what does it mean?
And they are right, I am playing a new game, and it does have meaning. This is a symbol of me taking responsibility for my life. This is me saying, I don't need you to like me. If you do, great, If you don't, I don't care. This is me saying I am so much more than blonde (whatever that means to you). This is me saying I value myself as I am and I have something to offer the world. This is me saying I am not just going to be who you want me to be, I am in charge of myself and I'm not afraid to say no.
My best friend, LL, said, this is some kind of rebirth for you. And, you know, I think she's right.
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