over this holiday weekend, i've had time to think about my job situation. right before i left on Friday, i asked my boss (the big boss at the company) if he would pay me more money. i caught him off guard (timing is everything, right?) and he said he would crunch some numbers over the weekend. i feel positive that i'll be offered more money today. i thought that this would be all i needed to stay motivated at work. it might be, we'll see what the numbers look like but, what i really keep thinking is, i do like being there, but there are so many other jobs i'd like to do too. i'd like to find a family that needs a nanny 2 days a week so i can pop around town with a little one (keeps you young.) i'd also like to see about possibilities freelancing for a Denver publication of some kind. (that would be groovy) and honestly, i would like to stay connected to my current company, maybe they could use me twice a week for a 1/2 day?)
because here's the tobbacle i'm stuck in at the moment. when do you know when to leave something to start something new? when do you know it's ok? i very sincerely wish that i could just say, hey god, do you think it's ok if I leave work now? I want the confirmation that things will be ok. I want to leave with security. but what is security anyway? a steady pay check does lend security. but, what else does?
it's funny but i realized that i've worked for a whole lotta entrepreneurs. normal, everyday people who took the gamble and started their own business. they've inspired me and have been a very real example that it can happen. you know, the,"if you build it, they will come" type of thing. here's the lineup:
Gardens Gourmet Ice Cream Store- Maria Rean
Ron Sachs Communications- Ron Sachs
The Wilderness Way- Sarah
Berlitz School in Sendai- Alvin and Chiomi Frasier
The Amazing Garage Sale- Judi Lesta
GetAds- George Avery
All of these people are just regular people who said, "hey, I wanna try this!" Really, that's what i feel like doing. i kinda wanna know what it feels like to drive my own train. it feels like i've been moving through different cars on a long train and riding along with other passengers. i've seen a lot of landscape and now, i feel ready to drive my own train, up in front, looking out the windshield.
but here's the thing: i realize that i have to eat. and pay my bills for the iphone that i love and the electricity that this computer is powered by. my health insurance is through work. (i hate that i'm considering staying somewhere for health insurance.) In a way i feel like accepting more money at work is a buyout of my soul. (dramatic!) But I do. Here's why: I want to leave and do other work, like write and play with babies. The money minded side of myself wants me to stay secure with a paycheck at work, and is causing me to consider stuffing down the desires of my soul a little while longer so i can make more money.
This all sounds fine and dandy to follow my heart, quit my job and follow my dream.
but then there is the other side. those what ifs. those fear based questions. what if you don't make enough money out there? then you'll have to live in a cardboard box.
this is all coming out too because on Saturday night AMC and I decided to go on a little vacation to the casino. we lost $ and that made me really depressed. i almost wanted to call the # of the gambling support line to ask for help on how to deal with the sadness of flushing 200 hundred perfectly grand dollars right down the big T. it really got me thinking about rupees, yen, euros and dollars. Which made me remember a little book I ordered on Amazon when one of my favorite authors Doreen Virtue said it changed her life. It's called, "the book of abundance" by John Randolph Price. It's a small book that explains the spiritual energy of money, wealth and abundance. So far, what I'm taking from the whole thing is money is an effect. There is something that we do in the world that causes something to happen, that is valuable and worth something. So, as an effect, you receive money that symbolizes that. So, I guess the real question I want answered is. I know how I create causes at my current company, because they have been paying me for awhile now. But, I want to know if writing and the other things I like to do are too? So, do I keep doing what I'm doing or do I take the leap and see if other things I like to do are valuable too?
oh boy.
p.s. God, anytime you feel ready to let me know what's the right thing to do, i'll be here.
