evolution, babies and things

The craving returned. Before 5 this morning, up with the first chirp of the first Denver bird it seems, I looked out the window and saw a man walking- probably just from his car because he forgot his cell phone overnight, or back from a donut errand, but, seeing him sauntering in the fresh morning air was enough to start a little rumble of desire for a run. I haven't run since last December, when I crossed the 1/2 marathon finish line in Vegas. I didn't have a need to, or a desire, so I didn't. I really didn't know if I ever would run again for fun. But today I did. Probably out of neccesity, but it was still fun and refreshing to use my lungs and femurs.

I'm taking a class on Thursday evenings called "Breakthroughs" and last week we were posed this statement to finish for ourselves. I finished it last week and have been digesting it since..... "If I were brave, I would ______________."


ooh boy. This is juicy, huh?

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In the class we centered and were lead to connect with this statement and suprisingly- it came. I really didn't think it would, or at least not this answer, but, let's cut to the chase here. Here goes: If I were brave, I would elope and start having babies. Am I kidding, am I serious? THAT is my breakthrough?!!! Isn't it to go back to school, or quit my job and go to India- or someother "21st century modern, educated woman" thing? You mean, myself, to tell me, that you want to be a wifey and a mom like Now?

Yes.

Weird.

I mean, I guess on paper, it's really not, considering I am 28 years old and engaged. But, it really kinda is.

In another way again, it's not. Last month when my dear twin soul, LL and I spoke of such things as children, I suprised her and myself by saying something of this sort of desire. But, I thought it was just a phase that would pass, kinda like when I get stuck on certain foods, like really stuck on them (iced green tea, pumpkin pie, strawberry yogurt). But then, I realized that everyday when I ride Wendy bike home from work and pass the downtown playground, my heart feels a little clink clink or something when I see chubby legs and hair bows cock-eyed. And, I try to shake my head and blink my eyes this feeling away, this is too weird, Marvin the Martian is completely invading my homeostasis or something, "my. biological. clock. is. ticking." Evolution is real, I want to procreate.

Cool.

I always wondered if I'd get here. I wondered if I'd really, truly ever care whether or not I had my own lil' darlin' but, as my friend said, "I had a moment." and realized a dream that is much closer to my heart than I ever knew.

So, this running thing this morning. At first I thought, Am I metophorically running from this? And, then I thought back to when I found out that the lining of my colon was bleeding and began training for a 1/2 marathon. Was I running from that too? But, then it dawned on me. When these realizations come to me, running feels natural.... I run not from things, but through things. Maybe its the repititious pace of my steps hitting the pavement, or the natural rhythm of breathing, maybe just alot more oxygen. Whatever it is, running is good. And so are babies and families, news to me.

As I get ready for my class tonight, (schoolnight!) I look through my notes from last week to regroup and refresh. Here are some juicy ones:

"Fear is a messenger that you are on a verge of a breakthrough.It is a point that goes beyond where you think you are capable of going."

"Fear dissolves when we step into action."


And so, in the words of Bob Marley, "My fear is my only courage."

It's interesting to me how we all have different fears and courage. For example, if you told me that tomorrow (literally tomorrow) I will be forced to pack up my life and move to Yugoslavia, I wouldn't be scared. Maybe I wouldn't want to go, but I know that I could and I would survive. I have plenty of courage for that. Now, on the other hand, my best friend bought a house a few years ago. Talk about comittment to a place, setting some roots down... the next thing is a family.... yikes! Now that was freaky! At least to me, but not at all to her. Interesting, yes? And perhaps this is the name of this game here on Earth- to learn to get comfortable with, to realize, that the things we fear, may also be things we deeply desire. Maybe, maybe not.